


Haze Grey

by hibigfan



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 22:12:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18600415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hibigfan/pseuds/hibigfan
Summary: “It will come back,” they assure you. “It wouldn’t happen to her.”But you know nothing is impossible, because it is happening to her.





	Haze Grey

 

“It will come back,” they assure you. “It wouldn’t happen to her.”

But you know nothing is impossible, because it is happening to her.

You’ve watched movies, and you see how things always work out in the end, so you can’t help feeling a measure of hope, but in the back of your mind there’s a niggling sense that is slowly easing its way to the front—you know real life never turns out as good as it does in the movies.

 

\--

The first time it happens, you brush it off because it’s such a menial detail so you hardly notice it. She’s rubbing a long-healed scar on your wrist and asks, “Where’s this from?” She’s done it before in the past, asked you how you acquired your scars—dancing, usually, or the occasional drunken stint—so you roll your eyes and regale her with the tale and exaggerate it as if she wasn’t standing next to you when it happened. By the time you’re finished, there’s a grin stretched across your lips and you can’t help but bump shoulders against hers.

“Remember?” you say rhetorically and she smiles at you so affectionately that you miss the way her eyes don’t meet yours when she says, “Oh, yeah.”

And it’s okay.

 -

 

You think you’ve been aware of it for a while, but you’ve been ignoring it, making excuses since it wasn’t an issue, or it didn’t seem to be until two years after it had begun.

 

You had just gotten home from work and can hear loud noises coming from the back of your shared apartment. You walk towards the sound and see her frantically searching through the drawers in your bedroom. She doesn’t notice you standing there as she opens another drawer and throw some of its contents onto the already cluttered floor.

“Where is it? Ugh. Where _is_ it?” You hear her mumble. You can tell she’s getting frustrated as time goes on by the way she takes off drawer after drawer and pours the contents onto the floor. When you finally walk towards her, your dresser is completely sacked, and she’s sitting on the floor surrounded by clothes and various items.

“Hey,” you say softly and she stops her search to look at you with watery eyes.

She doesn’t say anything for a few moments, just continues to look up at you until you nod your head at the mess.

All at once she seems to deflate. She looks down with a sigh and motions at the box before her, “I can’t find the bracelet you got me.” She doesn’t say which one. You already know. “I wanted to wear it to the party.”

“The party?”

“Jungeun’s engagement party,” she lets out a little laugh, as if it were obvious. And you would never expect that she was the more organized of the two of you—always the one to remind you of important dates and appointments. “I told you it was today.” She starts her search again. “Don’t tell me you forgo-“

“Babe.” It’s soft, but it’s enough to get her to stop what she’s doing. When she doesn’t look up, you continue, “Jungeun’s been _married_ for three years.”

“Oh,” she looks glum, guilty that she doesn’t remember this detail. You don’t mention that she lost her bracelet in the same fire that almost cost her her and Jungeun’s lives. And you certainly don’t mention that a part of you blames Jungeun for everything, even if it isn’t remotely her fault, because the blonde got off scot-free and she’s just-

 “Oh yeah,” she gets up and starts to clean. As you move to help, she shakes her head. “I’ve got it.” When you hesitate she smiles.

She’s-

“Okay.”

 

-

It’s been 7 years since you first met, but it already feels like a lifetime. You were expecting it to come, knew it would sometime, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. You’ve had tons of other questions: “What’s your favorite color?” “Where were you born?” “When did we get married?”

When she calls your name, her voice soft and still rough from sleep, you can’t help but notice that your name seems to be the only thing she’s sure of these days. You put the book that you’re reading down onto the counter when she presses herself against your back and wraps her arms around you. “Yeah?” You try not to sound hesitant, but the way she’s leaning against you causes you to feel how stiff she is, so you know what you’ve dubbed a “Big Question” is coming.

“How...” She stops, and the arms around your waist squeeze a little tighter. “How did we end up together?” You notice the tears streaming down your face and you’re happy she’s wearing your favorite hoodie so she can’t feel them falling onto her sleeves. You let out a laugh that’s two parts relief, one part surprise, and all love—out of all of the “Big Questions” she could have asked, this one is your new favorite. While it hurts that she forgot, it’s of your fondest memories.

“We met at Blockberry University and you were my annoying, good for nothing roommate...”

You’re okay.

 

\--

She asks you how she got like this one day.

It’s the Big Question you’ve been dreading for years, and despite thinking about it constantly, you’ve never thought of how to reply. You feel unprepared to answer and say the first thing that comes to mind, “There was a fire in Jungeun’s apartment building.”

She studies you for a moment when you don’t say anything else. “We weren’t together.” She’s not asking. It’s a statement of fact, but you still feel the need to explain.

“You saw me talking to a girl in my Language Analysis class.” You weren’t doing anything, but it still makes you feel guilty. She was never confident about your feelings for her—she often needed to be reassured. You remember being angry that she didn’t trust you, and with the constant stress of your final year, it became too much. “We had a fight. We broke up. You went to her.”

She’s quiet, and even though she’s facing you it’s as if she’s looking through you, there’s a far-off expression on her face. She gets this way sometimes when a Big Question comes up and she’s missing key parts of her memory.

You’re not actually sure what went on at the blonde’s apartment for the two weeks you were apart. Instead, you try to remember than the frantic call the blonde made from the hospital.

\---

You had just gotten out of your Accounting class and you were making your way to the Student Center for some food. Your phone was vibrating with a call from Jungeun, which you thought was weird, because even though Jungeun was a great friend, she never took your side in arguments. She did, however, send you sporadic texts every few days to let you know that _your ex-girlfriend is doing fine_ — “without you” went unsaid, but you liked to ignore that implication.

You answer, because maybe this time Jungeun is calling you to let you know that you’ve finally lost to her. That all that comforting finally led your ex into Jungeun’s arms.

That maybe they’re at the-

“Hospital.” _Sobbing_. “Fire at my apartment and-”

You curse the signal on the West side of campus. It was always spotty and your calls dropped more often than not.

“Jungeunnie, what?” Your heart was racing inside your chest. You could barely understand what the other girl said. You had hoped it wasn’t what you thought. It took everything inside to stay calm when you spoke next. “The signal is bad here. I-Can you text?” You’re not sure if she can understand you, but you guess you got the point across since a text message came through moments later.

_Fire at my apt. Jiwoo hurt. Come 2 hospital._

You knew you were right to be dreading it the second you heard hospital.

 

Your mind was in a haze.

The hospital is a 15-minute drive from campus—and a 30-minute drive from Jungeun’s—and since 15-minutes seemed to crawl by, you can’t help but imagine the worst. Because 30 minutes was twice as long and what if there was traffic, what if there were complications, what if-

You don’t even remember the drive, your body was just on auto-pilot. When you get to the hospital, you’re directed to a waiting room on the 2nd floor and you see Jungeun sitting in the lobby.

Her eyes were red and she had a few bandages on her hands and her arm was in a sling with no cast, but nothing else looked wrong. She looked up at your approach and immediately ran into your arms.

“Jiwoo-she...” She’s sobbing and you remember holding her tight. You remember wanting to know what’s wrong with Jiwoo, but you also knew that Jungeun needed you. You guys are friends, despite everything that went on with you and Jiwoo. She continued after a moment, “They won’t tell me anything. They said that only family and her emergency contact can get details.”

Your hand stopped the soothing circles on the other girl’s back unintentionally.

“I thought that you were...” You had let the statement trail off, not knowing how else to say it.

“No, it’s you.” Jungeun mumbled into your sweater, then pulled away slightly to look up at you. “It’s always been you. Even now.”

You know now—and maybe even then—that she wasn’t just talking about being Jiwoo’s emergency contact, but it wasn't the time to be talking about such things. You broke eye contact and looked towards the nursing station. You resumed the circles on her back for a moment.

“I’m gonna ask-”

“Go.”

So, you did.

 

You were somehow able to convince the nurses to let you both see her. Had it been any other time, you know Jungeun would’ve been pushing you around and rolling her eyes at you being a flirt. But it wasn’t any other time, and you had barely able to keep yourself from breaking down as you winked and said your thanks.

 

Jiwoo looked so small.

You always joke that she’s so little compared to you, even though the height difference is not much, but there, in the hospital bed she looked tiny. She had a few machines hooked up to her, some bruises and scratches that you could see, and a couple of bandages on her arms and around her head, but overall, she looked fine.

You remember feeling relieved.

That is, until the doctor arrived.

“Most of her injuries are superficial; however, she sustained a head injury when the roof collapsed.” You quickly looked at Jungeun; she had looked away guiltily, as if it was her fault the building fell apart and she wasn’t able to save the other girl, even though in that moment you were looking at her in relief that she hadn’t gotten more injured. “We were able to get a scan, and it appears that there is some minor brain swelling. We won’t be able to tell until we can examine her awake, but the effects can range anywhere from a migraine to issues with her cognitive processing-”

You nod at the appropriate times while the doctor speaks and say your thanks when he’s through with the explanation. You tell him you don’t have any questions at the moment, and he leaves you and Jungeun alone.

As soon as the door is closed, it was as if the dam holding back your tears finally burst, and you were no longer able to hold it in. You broke down immediately, your legs buckling from under you and you collapsed to the floor.

Jungeun tried to pick you up but you fought against her—wanting to lash out for letting this happen to Jiwoo. She took the blows and was somehow able to maneuver you into her lap on the only chair in the waiting room as she tried to soothe away your tears. Inside, you knew that Jiwoo was still there, that she’s still _alive_ but you can’t help but think this is your fault, that it’s Jungeun’s fault, that it’s _anyone’s_ fault, as if placing the blame on someone else would change the situation.

You don’t wish it was Jungeun in the hospital bed instead, but you definitely wish it wasn’t Jiwoo either.

 

Jiwoo slept for days.

You were by her side every moment you weren’t in class. You called out of work for the week on a family emergency, and luckily your boss let you go. You almost skipped your classes, but you thought about what Jiwoo would think and you decided that you couldn't be the cause of any stress for her when she came to.

 

On the fifth day she awoke.

She was disoriented and confused and could not remember the days leading up to the incident. The doctor said it was normal. You wonder now if you should have questioned it. That maybe if you would’ve asked how she lost weeks of time instead of a day or two, if they could have done something... _anything_ , but you were so focused on Jiwoo being alive and well that you left it alone.

 

She didn’t remember breaking up. Jungeun was hesitant about you telling her, but you didn't want to lie, so you did. You gave her all the details you could and Jungeun filled in what you couldn’t. Jiwoo waved off your apologies and said that she’s sure she would’ve forgiven you, even if you’re not sure she actually would have.

 

You aren’t there when the doctor speaks to Jiwoo following her examination—you had class and she wouldn’t allow you to miss it—but Jungeun had been able to be there the whole time. She looked angry when you arrived afterwards, not at you but as if she had been upset at something for a while. The blonde left as soon as you walked in, only to return a few moments later to give you and Jiwoo a hug before departing once more.

Jiwoo never told you what happened after her examination, but you do know that whatever it was that went on after the exam, Jungeun had not liked. The blonde never dropped by the hospital while you were there again. They still talked, but Jungeun was clearly holding something back, and she avoided you because of it.

The weird situation was ignored in favor of you taking care of Jiwoo. You never thought to ask her or Jungeun about it and it was completely forgotten when you and Jiwoo got back together when she was released from the hospital at the end of the week.

\--

Jiwoo says she’s heard enough and that she remembers the rest. You aren’t sure if you believe her, but when she smiles at you the way she used to and says _Sooyoung_ , you let it drop.

 

\---

9 years after the accident you have a big fight.

You don’t break up, but Jiwoo stays with Jungeun and her wife Jinsol anyway. The only difference is that this time Jungeun visits you everyday and even stays at your place a few times while Jiwoo was away.

You know she feels just as guilty as you do about the entire situation, despite it not being her fault.

She told you once, the night before she got married, that she wished it was her instead of Jiwoo that everything had happened to. And even if you wished it wasn’t Jiwoo, you would never want it to be the other girl, and you told her so.

She had cried that night and told you she used to be jealous of you. Not because she was in love with Jiwoo or for Jiwoo loving you, but because she thought you were taking her best friend away. Which surprised you since you thought Jungeun had been trying to take Jiwoo from you.

Jungeun laughed and told you she’d basically been with Jinsol longer than you had been with Jiwoo—which was another surprise since you hadn’t even heard of Jinsol until months after the accident, despite Jiwoo and Jungeun insisting she was there, and had been for years. Jungeun then told you that even when they weren’t official they felt as though they were a puzzle that was slowly being put together. They had all the pieces, and they knew what the picture would look like, they were just taking their time completing it. Jungeun knew it was Jinsol for her, just like you knew it was Jiwoo for you.

 

You hastily stand up from your impromptu movie session with Jungeun who gets startled awake from her nap—you don’t blame her for falling asleep, she’d been putting long hours at the office and still made time to see if you were doing okay.

“What’s wrong?” She quickly stands once she sees you up, and gets off balance and falls back onto the couch. You motion for her to stay down.

“I need to see Jiwoo.” You explain, trying to pull your hair into a hasty ponytail before hopping into a pair of sneakers. “She’s the only one for me and I need to get her back.”

“Bout time you got your head outta your ass.” She mumbles, waving you off and settling back into the couch. “I’ll be here if you fuck up or need anything.”

You nod your head in thanks and rush out the door, only barely remembering to grab your keys and phone on the way out.

 

When you get Jungeun’s you see that you have a text from the girl.

_-Jungeun: I know you didn’t start the fight, but I just wanted to make sure you’re as serious about her as you were in the beginning. Jiwoo’s been scared you’re gonna leave her because she’s too much to handle._

_\--I would never._

_-Jungeun: I know_.

 

Most of the lights are off when you approach. You knock on the door instead of letting yourself in with the spare key you’ve been given.

Jiwoo answers the door and the moment she sees you she rushes into your arms mumbling apologies.

You hold her for awhile, saying apologies of your own, and when you pull away slightly and she freezes. There are a few tears running down her cheeks and she looks scared of what you’re about to say next. You just sweep the pad of your thumb across her cheek and wipe away her tears.

“You’re the only one for me and I would _never_ leave you.” You punctuate your statement with a soft peck to her lips and find her still standing with her head tilted slightly up and her eyes closed for long moments after you’ve broken the kiss.

You laugh and it seems to break her from whatever trance she was in. A pout is adorning her face and you can see the question in her eyes. She’s wondering why you’re laughing but all you can think of is how beautiful she is and how lucky you are to be with her.

You tell her so.

She blushes and pushes you away, calling you a flirt. You pull her back into your arms and whisper

 _I love you_.

And when she pulls you down for a kiss, a much longer one this time. You know things are _okay_.

 

\--

You’re 32 and she’s 29.

Her birthday is coming up in the next few weeks and you and your friends have planned a party for when she turns the big three-oh.

 

You wonder about things often.

What you could’ve done differently, how you could’ve stopped this from happening… maybe if you asked her to marry you earlier instead of chickening out for weeks, maybe if you told her you knew she was _the one_ from the moment you saw her instead of acting like she was a nuisance because her cheerful demeanor and bright smile made you _feel_ things, maybe if you stopped flirting or being overly friendly with anything that had a nice set of legs she wouldn’t have been so self-conscious, maybe if you had said _I love you_ back when she said it the first time instead of panicking because you didn’t think she’d ever feel the same way and your heart was pounding out of your chest and you started to feel lightheaded, maybe…

Maybe if something, _anything_ , had been different she wouldn’t have to celebrate her 30th birthday in a medical facility—for a routine check up—surrounded by friends she may not remember and a wife she barely knows, loaded up with balloons, flowers, and gifts.

Maybe you wouldn’t have seen the smile that once rivaled the sun turn to one of awkward confusion when you pulled away from the short kiss you had been accustomed to giving her as a greeting.

Maybe you wouldn’t have seen the surprise on your friends’ faces as she tensed and looked at you with the same face she had before asking a Big Question.

“Oh wow, not that I’m not flattered—because you’re beautiful… I mean because I am flattered. But umm, who are you…?”

She must think you’re confused because she asks the question that really breaks your heart, “What’s your name?”

You can hear fidgeting behind you and the silence starts to get uncomfortable. In all the times that she’s forgotten something about the past, the was one thing that held true—she had always remembered your name. You hope it’s a joke but deep down you know it’s not.

_Ha Sooyoung._

And just like that, you’re thrust 11 years into the past and hearing her say your name as if was the first time. Rolling it off her tongue as if she can taste it leaving her lips.

“Sooyoung-ah?”

You match her gaze when you hear the familiarity in her tone. She’s looking at you with such warmth in her eyes and none of the nervousness she had when you first met. It’s silent in the room as if everyone is holding their breath waiting for her next words to you, you think they are, she’s speaking quite softly and no one wants to miss a thing.

“I was told today is my 30th birthday, and that surprised me because I don’t remember much besides graduating high school! These days my mind seems to be a haze of grey and I have been struggling to remember the littlest of things, but I think slowly getting there. I’m not sure who many of you are,” she pauses to look around and acknowledge the rest of your friends with a quick nod and gives Jungeun a small smile, “But for some reason I’m not freaking out. Old me—high school me, I mean—would’ve surely had a heart attack if the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen kissed me, but it somehow feels right. Sooyoung, I’m not really sure who Jiwoo is to you, but my heart and my body know you-”

_A snort._

You’re not sure who it was, but based on the coughing it looks like Hyunjin was trying to cover something up. When you look back at Jiwoo it’s as if she realized what she said could be misconstrued, because her cheeks turned rosy and her ears are bright red.

Despite this, Jiwoo continues on as though she wasn’t interrupted, “Sooyoung, I umm-I’m not sure who you are to Jiwoo, but I know that you somehow make my heart race and my entire being feel calm. I was nervous at first when I saw all the unfamiliar, yet somehow familiar faces, but when I saw you… something felt right. And then the kiss. It was wow! Sorry…” she rubbed the back of her neck out of nervousness, an old habit she had when she first got to college, but you remember her getting rid of a few years before the accident.

“Sooyoung, I’m not sure what Jiwoo was to you or who you were to Jiwoo, but I’d like to learn… if you’d let me.”

“No.”

“No?” it wasn’t even Jiwoo who spoke, it was Jungeun. You rolled your eyes at the other girl before looking back at the girl in front of you.

“No, because it’s not who we were, but who we are.”

You think all the thoughts of _maybes_ have finally gotten through your head. That it’s all started clicking.

 

“I’m not going to force you to remember something because it’s not fair to you. I’ve been stuck in the past for so long I think it’s as though I’ve been given another chance.”

At this point you can just tell everyone is confused. Jiwoo looks disappointed, but also understanding.

“I’ve been given another chance to get you to fall in love with me, all over again. Jiwoo, you’re love of my life and I’d be _damned_ if I didn’t try to do it better than the first time.”

There’s a loud whoop from behind you and you heard someone clap, but you never take your gaze away from the girl in front of you.

“That was so sweet.”

“How come you’re never that romantic?”

“Gross.”

“How are you still a child, aren’t you what like 25?”

“And you’re like 500!”

“That doesn’t any sense-”

 

You ignore the commotion going on behind you and step up to Jiwoo’s bed, a hand outstretched.

“Hi, I’m Sooyoung.”

“Nice to meet you, Sooyoung. I’m Jiwoo.” she pauses as if contemplating and offers you a hesitant smile. “I’d like to get to know you if that’s okay.”

You smile back.

 _Everything’s_ -

“Okay.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> hi big fan!
> 
> hope you enjoyed my first loona fic. lemme know your thoughts! 
> 
> twt: @hibigfan420


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